In what seemed to be a interminably long time, she called me in and asked,
Do you want the good news or the bad news?
The good news, of course.
You don’t have appendicitis.
Wow! All right.
Bye.
Ready for the bad news?
NO!
You have stage 4 ovarian cancer
which has metastasized to your liver,
which is two times its appropriate size,
more like a small watermelon.
Your right ovary is the size of a grapefruit.
(Interesting that tumors are always compared to fruits …)
I said two now-remarkable things …
Thank goodness that it is not appendicitis!
What is stage 5?
(I was quite naive then).
I was swept away to Stanford to meet the oncologist who would save my life with his heart and expertise. When I entered the Stanford Comprehensive Cancer Center, I couldn’t breathe. This was the very moment that defined the rest of my life.
My friends and family soon arrived at my bedside. They came from all over the San Francisco Bay Area and Southern California. That was very nice.
True to the nature of a high-powered teaching hospital, every medical student, oncologist, their fellows, and seemingly every person in the Western world also arrived at my bedside to poke and probe. That was not so nice.
Around 8:30 that evening, a man walked into my room which was filled with my loved ones and some shady characters sharpening their scalpels in one dark corner. The man looked a little like Santa Claus. I asked a pretty crazy question but I had been poked and probed by a bunch of strangers all afternoon.
And who might you be?
I am your doctor.
Whew! That was the introduction to the most incredible relationship in my world.
He dismissed the scalpel people and said,
Nancy is too sick for surgery.
We are starting chemo immediately.
Pretty scary. He said,
Yours is a bleak diagnosis.
And you have a very challenging prognosis.
I think I can help you.
I AM WITH YOU.
Everyone in the room heard those words. There was a communal sigh and big tears. Those 4 words became the most important words in my world and changed my life forever more.
And then he said something that still blows my mind …
When your friends and family go home,
and you think about today
and feel overwhelmed,
please call me.
This is my home phone number.
And guess what! I did call him … at 2:30 am. He was as kind and caring in the middle of the night as he has always been throughout my cancer experience. He is honest, available, and REAL. I wish everyone the same trusting relationship with their oncologist as I was truly blessed to have.
He saved my life. He brought meaning to my cancer journey and to my existence. His commitment to me made me understand much about the healing process. If he were that committed, so was I and I did whatever he said.
I began to finally understand what it means to trust. I trusted him implicitly.
This trust allowed me to open my heart to the amazing generosity of strangers, the wonderful compassionate and sensitive nurses in the infusion room (the ‘angels in my midst’), to patients who rooted for one another and who really cared, and to my friends and loved ones who walked the walk and held my hand and my heart. They called themselves ‘Nancy’s A Team’.
I never ever felt alone.
Opening my heart to the blessings, the prayers, the many sweet wishes … this changed my life. I let it all come in. I began to understand and commit to ‘ the will to live’, as well as comprehend the value that commitment has to manifesting courage and resilience. I could fulfill my purpose to bring light to others who had lost hope.
And that commitment has continued, and strengthens with every interaction I have with those in the cancer community.
This was a transformation for me, an opening, and a truly different way of being. In my mind, opening my heart to the many acts of kindness and the blessings that I received saved my life.
Find YOUR courage, compassion, and immense gratitude.
And to have an oncologist who related to ME with psychological mindedness was beyond my wildest dreams.
It probably helped when he said,
If you are on antidepressants, double them.
And if you are not on them,
get on them.
And find yourself a solid psychologist,
preferably one who has experienced cancer.
This will be a rocky road.
You will need all the support in the world.
When my sister asked him about my diet and my love of ice cream, suggesting that I needed to change my wicked ways, he said,
I don’t think this is a time
to deprive Nancy
of any pleasures.
If every oncologist understood the importance of emotional healing … the world would be a finer place.
I did a ton of aggressive chemo sessions. And I had a gazillion scary issues and tough times.
I never did the standard protocol of debulking. At the end of two years of treatments, I did a laparoscopy to remove my ovaries and tubes. AND I have never had a recurrence in almost 20 years!
I was blessed to meet Rachel Naomi Remen, M.D., who became my mentor and my friend. We first met when I took Rachel’s 3-day course for continuing education hours for psychologists. I thought I would perhaps be a better therapist if I ‘hung out’ with this eloquent and elegant woman.
During the first five seconds, I realized I was in her presence and in her course to define my relationship to my cancer. I took the same course with her 3 or maybe 4 times, whenever I felt the need to re-define my relationship to my disease.
During our conversations, she often spoke of the ‘Will to Live’ and I realized this was to become a very strong force in my healing process. Rachel often talks of being ‘Open to the Possibility’ and I adopted that belief as one of my core healing strengths.
I learned about courage and my job to ‘Encourage My Courage’ … to own it and to live it.
Being with Rachel was a spiritual experience. Telling my story brought meaning to its existence. It immensely contributed to my healing. I hope many will share their stories with others.
Cancer is trauma and, with overwhelming trauma, may come a ton of gratitude and perhaps a touch of enlightenment … a touch.
My oncologist saved my body.
Rachel saved my soul.
Cancer is totally emotional. Find a seasoned professional therapist or cancer coach who can stay with you through all your emotions. And work out a plan that brings more awareness to your body, to your relationships, to your being in the world … a plan that softens the negative and totally focuses you on your personal healing journey.
So many have asked …
What are your tricks?
Did you have a magic potion?
a tree in Tanzania?
My response is always the same…
I think I opened my heart to the many incredible patients and healers I met along my journey … those magnificent ‘angels in my midst’.
I always held the possibility that I would survive.
I followed whatever the doctors told me to do.
I believed in miracles.
I formed my own personal relationship with my cancer. I wasn’t ‘fighting’ my body or my cancer and I didn’t use that language. I needed to ‘partner’ with my body. I asked my body how to heal and I listened.
And I didn’t quit.
Many ask me about the transition from active treatment to survivorship. People oftentimes think that if you are not in active treatment, you are totally well … and they will take their tuna casseroles to another cancer patient.
This is a very difficult transition and fortunately many persons in the healing professions are now addressing the emotional upheaval that may come post-treatment.
We truly know that the ‘beast’ is always on our shoulder, reminding us in the most insidious ways that it can make a re-appearance. This is tough to assimilate.
I had tons of attention and support from so many friends and family … and I reveled in their love and caring. I was in a period of deep reflection and sometimes loneliness as I was facing reality. I directed all my energy to staying well and eliminating any negative forces in my life. It was learning everything I always needed to learn about nutrition and fitness and, most importantly, my emotional self.
I continue to define my personal relationship to my cancer, not that of everyone else’s perception, but my own.
I wanted to do something powerful for the Marin County community in which I lived. I started a community call-to-action to engage everyone to find ways to support the many who were living with cancer in the whole San Francisco Bay Area. It was a splendid project.
I have been asked many times how I found my perfect oncologist. I love this one … I didn’t choose my oncologist who truly saved my life. Magic and mystery and serendipity made that happen and how blessed I am that it did.
When cancer patients come to visit with me, I am so daunted by the many who tell me they don’t trust their oncologist. And my response …
There are a zillion brilliant doctors
in the cancer world.
Keep shopping until you find one
who has an emotional connection with you,
who speaks to your whole person
and your life,
who is “with you”
for all the great moments
when your numbers go down
and those truly tough moments
when they get higher.
Keep shopping.
I am reminded many times how difficult the journey, how depression and anxiety walked with me much of the time, and all the tricks I had to do to stay in a hopeful place. My heart is with all these women and men and their loved ones for being so brave and so full of love that they can take it all in and hold the hope.
For me, cancer changed everything. It generated my growth. It taught me the essence of gratitude. It deepened my sense of compassion. I found my courage and resilience. I embraced the generosity of strangers. It defined my calling and my passion and refined my purpose. It gave me the opportunity to offer hope to those who have lost theirs.
I am the luckiest lady in the world.
It is a joy to be Stanford’s poster child.
I am with you.
Nancy
Nancy Novack says
What an amazing and inspirational story you have!
Jill Daniel
Nancy Novack says
What a remarkable story! I feel empowered just reading it.
Anne Stockwell
Nancy Novack says
Just read your story. Really beautiful. Made me cry a little.
Leah Harley
Nancy Novack says
I am writing this through tears. Your beautiful words, your beautiful story, your beautiful soul spoke to me this morning and became a balm to my soul that I didn’t realize I needed this day. Sixteen years ago I, too, received the gift of a life-saving and heart-healing oncologist through magical God-intended alchemy when I was diagnosed with aggressive non-Hodgkin lymphoma, stage 4. I, too, asked with such pure naivety, “what is Stage 5?” Since then, that same funny, caring, smart and kind oncologist has saved my life three more times as he saw me through 2 relapses of my cancer and two stem cell transplants, as well as calling the shots from afar when I went through double pneumonia, sepsis and heart failure in ICU. And I received the gift of a lovely caring surgeon last spring when I went through breast cancer and double mastectomy.
Thank you, thank you for sharing your story so beautifully and for the work you do through Nancy’s List.
You are a gift,
Dianne Callahan
Nancy Novack says
I have no idea how I got on your mailing list but I so loved your story. I have been involved selling in the areas of pain management, breast cancer, CML and now Prostate cancer with Pfizer. I know I have been a catalyst for the medications many patients have received over my long career and I love the successful ones that bring a longer life and a better quality of life. Since the HIPPA rules, I don’t get to meet many patients anymore but I have met them in the past who thanked me for getting their lives or parts of it back. Thank you for what you do.
Jeff Dulcie
Pfizer Oncology
Nancy Novack says
I am so blessed you came into my life. What an incredible journey you have had and all the lessons you so vulnerable share with others. You are an inspirational and empowering force for everyone, especially me and all the other cancer survivors, those diagnosed, still in treatment and survivorship. Thank you for sharing your heart, you have moved my heart beyond words.
In gratitude,
Janet Muller
Nancy Novack says
Astonishing piece. Even tho I know your story, I had to wipe away many tears reading about it again. You are a wonderful writer, this is a masterpiece on about a million levels.
Honestly Nancy you are some other kind of person.
Thank you for your tale of miracles and hope.
I love you,
Carol
Nancy Novack says
Your story is so powerful and I’m thankful to you for sharing it. As a cancer surgeon who also forms very deep connections with my patients, it warms my heart to read your story.
With gratitude,
Jay Shah, MD
Chief of Staff
Stanford Health Care
Nancy Novack says
That was one of the best emails I have read in a long time. Thanks for sharing your story. I work for a medical device company that specializes in helping oncology patients (specifically to help prevent hair loss during chemotherapy). I have already forwarded your message to my entire organization, as I am certain that your story will resonate with them. We work with patients on a daily basis, and it is this type of message that keeps all of us working to help provide some sort of normalcy to individuals dealing with this brutal disease.
Thanks for sharing.
Regards,
Ryan Denney
Chief Commercial Officer
Cooler Heads Care
Nancy Novack says
I love you so very much. I read every single word. You are a walking angel on the planet, encouraging others to find their courage.
Babara Newman
💖🙌💖
Nancy Novack says
I LOVE this part, Nancy!! 🙂
There are a zillion brilliant doctors in the cancer world.
Keep shopping until you find one who has an emotional connection with you, who speaks to your whole person and your life, who is “with you” for all the great moments when your numbers go down and those truly tough moments when they get higher.
Keep shopping.
Mana Washio
Nancy Novack says
This is a beautiful read, Nancy.
I never knew your whole story and find much to think about even without having cancer!
Well, not entirely true as I had one malignant thyroid lobe removed a couple of years ago and numerous squamous cell skin cancers – but my denial mechanism is so good, I don’t consider any of those serious and was shocked when my MD pointed out that one of my stresses had been that I had cancer. And, BTW, my MD is 82, had ovarian cancer a couple of years ago and is still practicing full-time!
Thank you for your continued dedication and openness which I find awakening and useful.
💜
MaryEllen Klee
Nancy Novack says
Thank you for sharing your story. I feel we have walked a very similar path.
It was so nice to hear we went through very tough cancers with the same attitude.
I too know my oncologist, her team, and my attitude saved my life for the past 33 years.
You are beautiful to share your story.
Thank you
Shari
Nancy Novack says
Wonderful to be reminded of your story. I read every beautifully written word.
Katie Phillips
Nancy Novack says
I know your story, yet every time I read an account of it, it brings tears to my eyes. It always touches me so profoundly. Thank you for sharing it and for all you do to ensure that no one goes through cancer alone. Nancy’s list is a beautiful monument to a life well-lived and I am so grateful to be a small part of it. Thank you for reminding me of all the beauty and wonder in life just waiting to be seen.
Warmly,
Leslie Purchase
Nancy Novack says
Always a beautiful story. So glad that you’re still here to play with me.
Shariann Tom
Nancy Novack says
Deep, deep bows to you, my friend.
And to any doctor who knows that taking ice cream from a person who is about to endure a rocky road is nothing short of torture!
Thank you for sharing and for being with so many.
Love,
Cal Cates
Healwell
Nancy Novack says
Wow, what a story. I had no idea of the challenges you have experienced and overcome.
Thanks for your efforts on behalf of many.
Molly MacDonald | Founder & CEO
The Pink Fund
Nancy Novack says
It is an amazing story with a wonderful ending …. & I am so pleased because you have turned it into a life journey.
I can’t help but think … yes you had money, insurance, medical care and could speak fluent English. If not, your story would be very different.
Nancy, it is why we do the work we do.
Darlene deManincor
Nancy Novack says
Oh Nancy, Your story is so generous and kind and heartfelt. I hope it’s okay to say I loved reading your story. I’m thinking of you and wow, how truly brave you are. Thank you for sending and allowing me and others to read.
Susan Longley
Nancy Novack says
I never tire hearing this story … you are AMAZING 🥰
Jill Lee
Nancy Novack says
Wow – what a potent story!
I think I can help you – I am with you.
The magic incantation that says it all.
Thank you so much for affirming the road less traveled; unfortunately, that road is unavailable to so many people for so many reasons.
Your trial by fire has reaped so many rewards, particularly the calling to give back – such a perfect expression of health in the highest sense.
With respect and gratitude,
Jamie McHugh, MSMT
Somatic Expression – Body Wisdom for Modern Minds
http://www.somaticexpression.com
Nancy Novack says
This is beautiful.
Lisa Doria-Cavuoto
Nancy Novack says
Yikes. Wow. BIG hugs to you ….
David Tabatsky
Nancy Novack says
I enjoyed your story very much. Just had a friend, another nurse diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Your story gives hope. Thank you.
Christina Campbell
Nancy Novack says
That is truly a moving and remarkable story. Thank you for sharing it with us all.
JoAnn Zymler
Nancy Novack says
I have read your story more times than I can count, and it never ceases to move me and capture my heart. Your story will never cease to be miraculous and inspirational.
Love you,
Diane Weinstock
Maria Antonia says
Wow! Thank you so much for sharing your story. I felt so identified (even though my cancer is different than yours) with your words and your attitude towards this horrible situation.
I was also lucky to find a great doctor in the chaos of those first days when I felt completely lost and that state of shock. She pulled me out of it and told me to “trust her” before she operated on my brain. I felt as if she was delivering a message from our most high, the universe, to me, from God.
I have been surviving for just over 2 years but your story gives me so much hope that it will be a lot more. Thank you🫶